(Sorry, I'll have more relevant posts later--as in book reviews, movie reviews, etc--but for now I'm just kind of using this as my journal. It's the only way I feel like writing at all lately)
I've decided I'm gonna start a new category to my blog posts. You'll see what it entails in a minute.
So yesterday I was in Deseret Book, killing time because Ashley works nearby now and we sometimes drive home together.
Since I had a few hours to wait, I picked up a book from one of the shelves. I'd heard it was a pretty good book and I was curious and hey, I had nothing better to do.
I'm not gonna name the book or the author because I don't want to riff on someone I might possibly work with and run into in the elevator. :)
I really wanted to like this book, but I quickly discovered that it fit right into my general opinion of LDS fiction. Self-righteous unbelievable characters, unbelievable plot, etc, etc. I'm sorry but the majority of books written by LDS authors are so cheap and fluffy it just drives me up the wall. If they didn't have LDS ties, I don't think they'd ever get published. Deseret Book is the only one who will take them because they're "good enough, and oh it's an LDS author we need to support!" (Please don't fire me, DB. It's just business, I get it. And we SHOULD support aspiring authors, I just feel like they need WAY more editing so they can really stretch themselves as writers and not get published so easily. Sorry, sorry, just my opinion.)
Anyways, I only got like 40 pages into the book before I found Ashley and we went home, but those 40 pages were almost torturous. It inspired me to start a series of "Writing Sins"--my advice for writers of what NOT to do if they want their book to get on my good side.
Writing Sin #1: Mirrors
It was either the first or second page of the book. The story started with a bit of action, as all books should. Police cars pulled into the main character's cul de sac, and so she went outside to see what was the matter.
But before she did, she stopped in front of the mirror, and we got paragraph-long, detailed description of what this main character looks like.
I actually laughed out loud. OUT. LOUD.
Do NOT, for the love of Shakespeare, be so lazy as to make the main character look in a mirror so that we can learn what she looks like.
A) That is the tackiest trick in the book. Like, that was a rookie mistake I used to make in junior high. This adult published author should not be using that ploy.
B) It's probably not THAT important to know what the MC looks like. His or her character and actions should be enough to define them (see my review of Pathfinder).
C) It almost always slows down the plot for no good reason. This MC is running out the door because the police are at her neighbor's house. Don't yank on the leash and make us slow down for irrelevant details--go out there and see what is going on! Keep the momentum going!
I just can't believe that didn't get edited out. Who never taught this author not to use mirrors? It's like bad parenting!
Writing Sin #2: Too Much Information
Another thing I quickly learned about this book was that the main character would always jump at the chance to offer completely unnecessary details. Obviously the author needed these details said because she found them necessary for the plot, but there was absolutely no reason for the main character to be saying them out loud.
I can't remember exactly what was said, but it went something like this:
The officer pulled out a notebook and pencil. "Do you know the neighbor across the street?"
"Yeah," said MC, "that's Billy Bob. He has three children--two in college, one married living in Vermont--and he has a parakeet named Pip and he vacations in Tallahassee, Florida and he likes raspberries in his smoothies and he watches BBC dramas. Why?"
I mean, really. Who does that? Realistic dialogue would go like this:
The officer pulled out a notebook and a pencil. "Do you know the neighbor across the street?"
MC nodded. "Yeah, a bit. Why?"
"Could you tell me about him?" he asked, ignoring her question.
"Sure." MC tried to think of what would be important to the case. "Nice guy. Has three kids and a parakeet..." In truth, Billy Bob was kind of a loner. Two of his children were off at college and the other was married and living in Vermont. Most of the time it was just Billy Bob and Pip, the parakeet.
The officer wrote in his notebook. "What else?"
"Um...he goes to Florida occasionally..."
"Do you know where in Florida?"
MC had to think hard. "Tallahassee, I think he said?"
You know? You can provide details with internal dialogue, but saying it all out loud is so unnecessary. Nobody talks like that. The MC in this book just kept offering way too many details at the drop of a hat. She's supposed to be a nosy busybody, but there's a limit. Unless you WANT your readers to be annoyed by your MC. Which apparently this author does because I could go into way more details about how annoying this MC was.
But I won't. I think that's enough for now, and I really don't want to tear apart a DB author. I just want to point out to aspiring authors what turns me off as a reader. And based on this book's Goodreads reviews, I'm not the only one who feels this way.
That's all. :) Someone please slap me if I ever use these methods in my own writing.
On a funnier note, this is my new favorite Twitter feed: The Worst Muse. Full of "great" advice for amateur novelists.
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