Freewrite: Healthy Eating

Me: I'm gonna eat more healthy. For reals this time! No more sugar for me!

Health Experts: That's good, but remember that fatty foods are also extremely bad for you.

Me: That makes sense. No more potato chips or bacon, either. I'll make chicken my main protein source.

Health Experts: Better, but be sure to avoid chicken with growth hormones or chemicals.

Me: Okay... That's a bit harder, but okay. Smith's has an organic section.

Health Experts: And make sure that the chickens weren't grown in a factory farm. The conditions stress them out and make the meat bad.

Me: Um... Well it'll be hard to find someone in Provo who raises their own chickens...

Health Experts: Each chicken should have a personal caretaker who feeds the chicken by hand, dresses the chicken in only the finest polyester vests, ensures the chicken gets a good education, and gives the chicken a proper funeral before you eat it.

Me: ....What?

Health Experts: In fact, you should just avoid eating meat at all. It's bad for you.

Me: Okay yeah I can see how that's healthy. And that's easier than finding free-range chickens. Maybe I'll--

Health Experts: Actually, just go vegan. Animal products are bad for you AND it's immoral.

Me: Eeeeh....okay.... Not even cheese?

Health Experts: Just make sure your veggies have no pesticides or chemicals in them.

Me: Again, Smith's has an organic section, so that's--

Health Experts: Every plant should be respectfully cultivated, free to grow as it was meant to grow, with gardeners who sing to them every day to enhance their happiness and thus give you better health benefits. They must never be refrigerated, but must only be harvested when they're ripe and ready to eat.

Me: Um....

Health Experts: And a study showed that Ohio has the best soil, so you should only buy products from there that meet all the above criteria.

Me: ... I'm in Provo. I don't have a car to go to Ohio.

Health Experts: Too bad! You HAVE to conform to these standards of healthy eating or else you're not really "eating healthy" at all! You might as well just go back to eating hamburgers and Frostys!

Me: ...

Health Experts: ...

Me: ...

Health Experts: ...

Me: Bye.

Health Experts: Hey! Where are you going?!

Me: Wendy's.

Ah, Internet. I knew I could count on you when I wanted a picture of a "dapper chicken".

(In case you were worried *cough* DAD *cough* I really do eat relatively healthy food. It's just funny that so many people keep pushing it to the "next level".)